I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
Thank you, Susan Boyle (or the boil named Susan in "Futurama") as you are the only voice I hear when I think of that song. Well, actually, I get a visual of Susan the boil on Leela's ass. I should probably read more as I think that Alec Baldwin was right and that the evil alien masterminds behind Hulu and the ubiquity of mindless entertainment are liquefying our cerebral matter.
As an itty-bitty little Asian girl, I don't think I really ever dreamed about the details of walking down the aisle. Well, I think I daydreamed of a vague ivory dress made of hopes and dreams while I glided on cotton-candy clouds walking ever so elegantly toward Prince William. An updated version of this dream would definitely involve the younger and thicker coiffed ginger prince. Seriously, Will, William, Billy- have you ever heard of Rogaine? Your hairline is receding faster than the native wildlife in the Gulf. You are caliente, my English compadre but you are losing major hotness points to your Nazi-dressing brother. Shame. As a side note, the dictionary that is embedded in this application does not recognize any Spanish words. *Shudder* Palin, the Earl Grey's, and the Minute Men (who rumor has it, chose their name out of sexual frustration rather than historical events) are winning. Tangent. I think I should buy a diggedy-dog shock collar to keep me on track but I fear I would most likely strap that on Alec mid-dream just to mess with him. Speaking of, after a delish dinner with my mother, he proceeded to find the worm at the bottom of a Chardonnay bottle. Tequila-Chardonnay, same thing, right?
Back to my ramblings- my wedding was never really detailed out in my young and naive years of four. Ok, okay... twenty. I wish I had made a plan a la Patrick Dempsey's Lucky Seven. This Academy Award snub made by the lovely people of ABC Family is a must watch, gents. It's got everything: action- there are explosions in the sky (known to some as "fireworks"); chicks that have lady parts that are sometimes exposed when they wear....tank tops; gore- the wedding is catastrophic- limbs are flying in every direction with morbid onlookers taking photographs to commemorate the horrific event; and sci-fi- OOOOO! There are palm pilots in this strange tech un-savvy world. On a sidenote that will most likely turn into a shooting tangent, Syfy- you are not fooling anyone. You are still the nerdy network and a name change does not make you any cooler. The cool kids over at HBO are still throwing their Tru Blood slushies in your face. Your situation is so dire that even Jack Donaghy's sinking ship refuses to meet you in public. So fly your freak flag, Syfy, and drop the act. I love you for your Giant Shark vs. Mini Giraffe gore-fest. I know Bambi gets his ass kicked by Godzilla so let's keep it that way. Not sure if that last bit will be supported by PETA. Ok, last tangent in this paragraph- is unsolicited bestiality a crime?
Back to the movie and its groundbreaking message of....something. Mother, I am going to blame the absence of a dissertation length dossier on the wedding vendors located in the Western Hemisphere on you . Amy's mother (back to the life altering movie) gave her a road map for life. Literally, seven bfs then marriage; along with college and other stuff but the marriage is the key part of this roadmap. We are women, come on now. We go to college to meet a man and learn how to cook a killer foie gras, right? Your liberal child rearing has given me too much freedom of choice. Damn you for not slapping my ass around, instilling me with the grace to grant all decisions to the nearest penis. Well, I guess if I would have stuck around my biological father more that may have been my future but damn my independent stubbornness!
So let's see. I have no idea what I want to do with this wedding other than having a vegan caterer. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. Chew on twig- ahhh, delicious!
This weekend we are planning on hitting up the local farmers' markets along with the vegan bakery that doubles as a catering service (and communist secret cell) to get our gastro on. In the coming weeks, we are going to head out to Apple Hill, CA; which is not a giant apple shaped like a hill as I had previously believed but rather a haven for apple connoisseurs. I haven't been since I was a child so I have no idea how accurate my childhood memory of the area is- but, fingers (and toes) crossed my memory is better than my dearly beloved betrothed; who, after a lovely afternoon spent strolling the streets of San Francisco, took me to a lovely restaurant that his family had frequented during his youth. Boy, redecorating to have an exterior that resembled an apartment complex sure was sneaky of those restaurateurs. After many attempts to place an order with those leaving said restaurant, we left defeated and chowed instead on the local delicacies of Mel's. Fortunately for the two (or three counting Maia) of us, my aunt is a venerable vacation and entertainment pimp and is burning up all of her roll-over minutes trying to help us with just about everything. My goal is to replicate the style of Star Jones' wedding. Not the gay husband deal but the whoring out of products and merchandise on The View in order to get a final tab of... $0. I may have difficulty gaining access to the squabbling heads on ABC; however, I am totally willing to smack decals all over my car (and Maia) to seal the deal. Venue rental- $0; catering- $0; photography- $0; whoring yourself- priceless.
Well, I believe that I was able to adequately fill space without talking about anything in detail. My gift of gab is honorable and I may have a destiny in politics. Hrm. I can talk about nothing at all for hours on end; however, I can't stand idiots and Capitol Hill is crammed full of the cognitively challenged.
Stay tuned, houseguests, for more Big Brother...Sorry, CBS asked me to fill in for the Chenbot as it was revealed that she was the true saboteur. My hiring will be a true coup d'etat (pronounced, "coop dee-taught," thank you Jeff). All of three of you will get that joke but worth it.
For those who are just joining me on this literary journey of my psychological carnival ride, the best is yet to come. Enjoy Bridezillas or the first month of American Idol, You Think You Can Dance, and the Bachelor/ette or the entire season of Rock of Love [Bus] for the trainwreck TV? You ain't seen nothing yet! Wedding planning/gorging our faces at Sugar Plum this weekend along with some convos with Apple Hill farmers will ensure updates will be made in a disorderly fashion. Shanat- don't worry, they shall come. Just like if you build it, they will come. Now, I believe that it refers to some field of (broken) dreams but I am betting that it really refers to a new Apple Store.
I have realized that with my great gift of verbal diarrhea comes a great responsibility- to subject my friends, family, and some dude from India- to it. You're welcome.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Dress Hunting at the Bargain Bin
Frugality is a gift, that I dare say, has been bred in me. My grandmother who was and still is my role model made a habit of cutting costs. Ants enjoying your chocolate chip cookies? Well, that's the only function of a Hoover. Ant suction and removal. Birthday celebrations? Costco and the Walton's Sam's Club are a God send. Cram all of the names of those who are celebrating/celebrated/will celebrate their birthday during that fiscal quarter on a sheet cake. Extras? Well, who remembered to pull the baby out of the bathwater? Freeze it, and re-apply the names for the next quarter. Now, don't get me wrong, my grandmother was one of the most amazing women who I have ever had the luck of knowing and I miss her dearly but that woman knew how to save almost to a fault.
In the spirit of Grandma Betty, I decided to do some searching for my Best Lady's dress. A brief explanation of the term is necessary. Although I am a deep brunette, I have blonde roots. They are there, I promise. When asking my ABF (Asian best friend) to be my Maid of Honor, I blanked on the title and feminized the male version- Best Man. Thus, Casey is not my Maid of Honor she is my Best Lady. The term "maid" refers to both the economically unfortunate (or the sociological term- disenfranchised) and the lonely spinster. Case is neither. Thus, Best Lady it is; even if it has a slight resemblance to a Eugene Levy film.
So, Best Lady. Here are some of the wonderful choices that I have assembled thus far:
Nothing conveys our vegetarian lifestyle like this dress that resembles something that has been dragged through an abandoned lot and left out in the elements for a decade. So it's vintage. Don't worry, Case, this will only set you back $198. It's a steal, really.
You can be a beautiful blue princess in this get-up. It is slightly less expensive at $188 and I think this may be a result of the seamstress' inablity to finish piecing together the waistline. Plus: my cousin got out the BeJeweler and gave that dress some much needed pizazz.
I have no idea why this winner is priced under the previous two at the stunningly low price of $178. How have they been able to keep this in the store, much less in inventory? It flatters everything on a woman- it will extend your bust line a good two to three feet, although it may gouge out the eyes of Brian; the elastic feathery band at the knees is sure to help you get down on that dance floor, quite literally. You may need assistance to get back up but you can party all night long with your knees securely snapped together. Not sure if this will leave long-term damage- be sure to consult with Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, or Dr. Laura. Not sure if all of said doctors truly have a degree but they say they do, so it counts, right?
Well, my peanut sized cousin got the super glue and some of the fermenting leaves and flowers from the garden and pasted those all up over this dress. Not quite sure what the ruffling along the side of the gown is. I am going to assume that it is flattering to your figure. Must be slimming, why else would it be adorned on the dress?
I'm thinking this may be the winner. I bet we can spray paint this sucker red, or you can just transfer the gore from my body after I force you into this for the wedding. Dealer's choice. It truly is astonishingly...erm, unique? The top says Dancing With the Stars and the bottom tells a different more unfortunate story of a woman who unknowingly got her gown all scrunched up in her hoo-ha/va-jay-jay/lady bits. Ran out of tp? Or is it just styled? At the winning price of $198 USD (yeah, that's not in Euros ladies). Let's whip out our Visas and charge, charge, charge.
In the spirit of Grandma Betty, I decided to do some searching for my Best Lady's dress. A brief explanation of the term is necessary. Although I am a deep brunette, I have blonde roots. They are there, I promise. When asking my ABF (Asian best friend) to be my Maid of Honor, I blanked on the title and feminized the male version- Best Man. Thus, Casey is not my Maid of Honor she is my Best Lady. The term "maid" refers to both the economically unfortunate (or the sociological term- disenfranchised) and the lonely spinster. Case is neither. Thus, Best Lady it is; even if it has a slight resemblance to a Eugene Levy film.
So, Best Lady. Here are some of the wonderful choices that I have assembled thus far:
Nothing conveys our vegetarian lifestyle like this dress that resembles something that has been dragged through an abandoned lot and left out in the elements for a decade. So it's vintage. Don't worry, Case, this will only set you back $198. It's a steal, really.
You can be a beautiful blue princess in this get-up. It is slightly less expensive at $188 and I think this may be a result of the seamstress' inablity to finish piecing together the waistline. Plus: my cousin got out the BeJeweler and gave that dress some much needed pizazz.
I have no idea why this winner is priced under the previous two at the stunningly low price of $178. How have they been able to keep this in the store, much less in inventory? It flatters everything on a woman- it will extend your bust line a good two to three feet, although it may gouge out the eyes of Brian; the elastic feathery band at the knees is sure to help you get down on that dance floor, quite literally. You may need assistance to get back up but you can party all night long with your knees securely snapped together. Not sure if this will leave long-term damage- be sure to consult with Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, or Dr. Laura. Not sure if all of said doctors truly have a degree but they say they do, so it counts, right?
Well, my peanut sized cousin got the super glue and some of the fermenting leaves and flowers from the garden and pasted those all up over this dress. Not quite sure what the ruffling along the side of the gown is. I am going to assume that it is flattering to your figure. Must be slimming, why else would it be adorned on the dress?
I'm thinking this may be the winner. I bet we can spray paint this sucker red, or you can just transfer the gore from my body after I force you into this for the wedding. Dealer's choice. It truly is astonishingly...erm, unique? The top says Dancing With the Stars and the bottom tells a different more unfortunate story of a woman who unknowingly got her gown all scrunched up in her hoo-ha/va-jay-jay/lady bits. Ran out of tp? Or is it just styled? At the winning price of $198 USD (yeah, that's not in Euros ladies). Let's whip out our Visas and charge, charge, charge.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
You get a truffle! YOU get a truffle. EVERYBODY gets a...truffle?
It's near midnight and all I can think about is what do I get you, distinguished guest of my wedding? Do I pamper you with a local wine coupled with mini-truffles? Do I personalize M&M's and laugh when they do in fact melt in your hands, or worse, in the box? Shall I gift smoked glass votive candle holders that commemorate our wedding? Should you get anything- it is a recession and to be honest, you are a member of the glutinous consumer class. But so am I, so who am I to point my metaphorical sparkling new iphone 4G (release the white version, Jobs!) at you?
I asked friends on Facebook, the highly scientific and reliable data processing site, their opinions on what I should graciously gift to those who attend our ceremony. Here is a brief list with commentary on those suggestions:
1)Bubbles (via Will): I too am an obligatory fan of the late Michael Jackson but I don't believe that giving out aging primates is a good "remember the day" gift. While they do enjoy throwing brown material, I would highly discourage consumption as that is a "monkey truffle."
2) M&Ms/candy: This would be cute (a chill ran up my spine after uttering that word) if our names were Mark and Mindy or Maxwell and Michael- no h8, CA! Off on another tangent! Getting back on the chocolate train track, I would like something that isn't as everyday as M&Ms. Maybe peanut M&Ms or that saucy green M&M.
3) Alcohol (via Casey/Jessica): Alright, alchies. Not sure if that is a word but Bush was President and if there is one thing that he taught me during my edumacation, other than how OBGYNs just want to practice their love with women, is that as a freedom loving American, it is my right, nay, duty to provide the lesser peoples of the World (France and Canada) with new updated versions of the American language. Think of it as American OS 5. There will be another update in the next 12 months. Be prepared. You may even be able to multitask with this new update and create further hybrids. Consult Adam Sandler and Paz Vega for suggestions on how to make your own OS.
That was a pretty obtuse tangent, there. Congratulations are now to be made to a Mr. Colvard who provided me with that reference in 2001. You, sir, taught me to chew gum to relieve stress before a test but more importantly, if you try hard enough anyone can balance a steaming cup of coffee on their stomach.
A tangent off of another tangent. Mathematically possible? I have no idea, I majored in Sociology which required....0 math classes. Win. Ah, back to why I will not be giving you alcohol. First, I am a grad student at Sac State. I am not rolling in any money. I retract that last statement as just yesterday Maia and myself were rolling in the orange Monopoly monies. Oh, yeah. $500. That is called bank; unfortunately, Bank of America and the Bank of the Monocled Mustached Millionaire do not allow direct (or indirect transfers). Second, I refuse to sit back and watch yourself drink yourself to death, Mel. You once a career; yeah, you bashed a Jew or two and slurred out some impressively misogynistic ramblings but I think it may be time to put down the Zimas and go to AA with Lindsay.
4) Beach-Themed Souvenirs (via my mother): Mom. We are not going to get married in Kauai. The nearest "beach" around here is technically the American River but the last rendezvous to said location ended in the swell discovery of a weapon dump. Yeah, nothing says "I Love You, FOREVER" like a disposed murder weapon.
I am thinking smoked votives with scented candles for all of you who enjoy the delicious Mexican, Indian, Ecuadorian, or Ethiopian foods or conversely those who enjoy asparagus but are not too keen on it's lingering aroma. So, when you are hunkered down in the bathroom wishing you could blow a hole into the wall to have the liberating air of the outdoors combat the possibly fatal fumes festering around you; you can snag a match, light the wick, and remember us.
I asked friends on Facebook, the highly scientific and reliable data processing site, their opinions on what I should graciously gift to those who attend our ceremony. Here is a brief list with commentary on those suggestions:
1)Bubbles (via Will): I too am an obligatory fan of the late Michael Jackson but I don't believe that giving out aging primates is a good "remember the day" gift. While they do enjoy throwing brown material, I would highly discourage consumption as that is a "monkey truffle."
2) M&Ms/candy: This would be cute (a chill ran up my spine after uttering that word) if our names were Mark and Mindy or Maxwell and Michael- no h8, CA! Off on another tangent! Getting back on the chocolate train track, I would like something that isn't as everyday as M&Ms. Maybe peanut M&Ms or that saucy green M&M.
3) Alcohol (via Casey/Jessica): Alright, alchies. Not sure if that is a word but Bush was President and if there is one thing that he taught me during my edumacation, other than how OBGYNs just want to practice their love with women, is that as a freedom loving American, it is my right, nay, duty to provide the lesser peoples of the World (France and Canada) with new updated versions of the American language. Think of it as American OS 5. There will be another update in the next 12 months. Be prepared. You may even be able to multitask with this new update and create further hybrids. Consult Adam Sandler and Paz Vega for suggestions on how to make your own OS.
That was a pretty obtuse tangent, there. Congratulations are now to be made to a Mr. Colvard who provided me with that reference in 2001. You, sir, taught me to chew gum to relieve stress before a test but more importantly, if you try hard enough anyone can balance a steaming cup of coffee on their stomach.
A tangent off of another tangent. Mathematically possible? I have no idea, I majored in Sociology which required....0 math classes. Win. Ah, back to why I will not be giving you alcohol. First, I am a grad student at Sac State. I am not rolling in any money. I retract that last statement as just yesterday Maia and myself were rolling in the orange Monopoly monies. Oh, yeah. $500. That is called bank; unfortunately, Bank of America and the Bank of the Monocled Mustached Millionaire do not allow direct (or indirect transfers). Second, I refuse to sit back and watch yourself drink yourself to death, Mel. You once a career; yeah, you bashed a Jew or two and slurred out some impressively misogynistic ramblings but I think it may be time to put down the Zimas and go to AA with Lindsay.
4) Beach-Themed Souvenirs (via my mother): Mom. We are not going to get married in Kauai. The nearest "beach" around here is technically the American River but the last rendezvous to said location ended in the swell discovery of a weapon dump. Yeah, nothing says "I Love You, FOREVER" like a disposed murder weapon.
I am thinking smoked votives with scented candles for all of you who enjoy the delicious Mexican, Indian, Ecuadorian, or Ethiopian foods or conversely those who enjoy asparagus but are not too keen on it's lingering aroma. So, when you are hunkered down in the bathroom wishing you could blow a hole into the wall to have the liberating air of the outdoors combat the possibly fatal fumes festering around you; you can snag a match, light the wick, and remember us.
Suck it, carnivores!
Our wedding, in congruence with our life, will be meat-free. So for all of you who are unable to continue living without stuffing your jowls with bits of cute cuddly animals, grab KFC or Carl's Jr. before the ceremony (we are looking at you, Paul).
Being vegetarian is a bit difficult in our meat-lusting culture but has gotten significantly easier due to market pressures... That sentence should convince you that I have a college degree. That settled, there are a lot of fake meat (or "feat") companies out that can offer our meatavores some options past twigs and nuts.
We are looking into the catering of Sugar Plum Bakery- we are going to go this weekend to their downtown establishment and gorge on vegan goodness. As with everything in our lives, the greatest factor in our caterer will be cost. Now, I am not suggesting that I will be hiring Downtown James Brown or Merry Christmas to throw something together but we do not have the finances comparable to Speidi. Well, actually we do now. That's what happens when you are cruel to production- you get fired and then go crazy. But this is a conversation for another blog.
As this site was put up to encourage suggestions and I have yet to inquire for them; here it is:
HELP. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking? We are raised to imagine our wedding day from infancy. From cradle to alter. But we never consider the minutiae of the day and the days to come (ominous music). Luckily, Alec and I are heathens living in sin as we have been "cohabitating" for the past three years. And to think that bum just put a ring on it. Beyonce would not be proud.
I ramble. That is my thing. I should trademark it but I'm too lazy. That is also my thing. So I need help learning how to:
1) be terse. Ha! I did it, that was a simple and short explanation for the goal for which I am trying to achieve. And...fail.
2) be a good housewife a la 1950s. Just kidding. Or am I? Not sure and I'm too lazy to figure that one out. I should call Sean Spencer or that other hack on CBS to figure it out for me. Ah. I was just reminded of "Dr." Laura. Thanks for referring her to me, betrothed. I have a feeling I know where you stand on this issue. Kitchen it is.
3) plan this wedding. I have questions that need answers and my magic 8 ball is being a bit to terse for my liking. Maybe it will give me lessons- "try back again later." Tease.
So, please. Help. Suggest "thoughts" and "ideas" about wedding stuff. I have heard of these terms in college but let's be honest. It was CSUS. We had curtains for doors in our bathrooms. I'm glad I know the difference between left/right. Nope. I take that back. I do know a lot about the Real World/Road Rules Challenges though (especially the "Runs").
Being vegetarian is a bit difficult in our meat-lusting culture but has gotten significantly easier due to market pressures... That sentence should convince you that I have a college degree. That settled, there are a lot of fake meat (or "feat") companies out that can offer our meatavores some options past twigs and nuts.
We are looking into the catering of Sugar Plum Bakery- we are going to go this weekend to their downtown establishment and gorge on vegan goodness. As with everything in our lives, the greatest factor in our caterer will be cost. Now, I am not suggesting that I will be hiring Downtown James Brown or Merry Christmas to throw something together but we do not have the finances comparable to Speidi. Well, actually we do now. That's what happens when you are cruel to production- you get fired and then go crazy. But this is a conversation for another blog.
As this site was put up to encourage suggestions and I have yet to inquire for them; here it is:
HELP. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking? We are raised to imagine our wedding day from infancy. From cradle to alter. But we never consider the minutiae of the day and the days to come (ominous music). Luckily, Alec and I are heathens living in sin as we have been "cohabitating" for the past three years. And to think that bum just put a ring on it. Beyonce would not be proud.
I ramble. That is my thing. I should trademark it but I'm too lazy. That is also my thing. So I need help learning how to:
1) be terse. Ha! I did it, that was a simple and short explanation for the goal for which I am trying to achieve. And...fail.
2) be a good housewife a la 1950s. Just kidding. Or am I? Not sure and I'm too lazy to figure that one out. I should call Sean Spencer or that other hack on CBS to figure it out for me. Ah. I was just reminded of "Dr." Laura. Thanks for referring her to me, betrothed. I have a feeling I know where you stand on this issue. Kitchen it is.
3) plan this wedding. I have questions that need answers and my magic 8 ball is being a bit to terse for my liking. Maybe it will give me lessons- "try back again later." Tease.
So, please. Help. Suggest "thoughts" and "ideas" about wedding stuff. I have heard of these terms in college but let's be honest. It was CSUS. We had curtains for doors in our bathrooms. I'm glad I know the difference between left/right. Nope. I take that back. I do know a lot about the Real World/Road Rules Challenges though (especially the "Runs").
Location, Location, Location
I absolutely adore the internet because it allows me to assemble an unnaturally and presumably unhealthy sized ego as I can now speak to the masses. The "masses" including: myself, my sleep-deprived betrothed, and my mother. None the less, I will speak with the confidence of Sarah Palin at a [insert religious or political event/fast-food chain opening].
Here are our well thought out plans as of 6:49 PST:
1) Outdoor wedding: hence the background. Think Meet Joe Black minus the wealth (we are but graduate students mind you) coupled with the final wedding in Runaway Bride minus the horse (I have no desire to be dragged by an equine through the hills of California).
2) Religion-free ceremony: I spent 13 years in Catholic education, 'nuf said. Alec's dad will be officiating, which keeps it in the family.
3) Open bar: why not? However, if anyone feels they need to drink their body mass in vodka or tequila- I will have horses ready for your removal.
4) Liliac and Ivory Color Theme: Tiffany's Blue is a bit hard to find through different vendors. I don't have the mental strength to detail the blue/green ratio to each vendor.
Here are our well thought out plans as of 6:49 PST:
1) Outdoor wedding: hence the background. Think Meet Joe Black minus the wealth (we are but graduate students mind you) coupled with the final wedding in Runaway Bride minus the horse (I have no desire to be dragged by an equine through the hills of California).
2) Religion-free ceremony: I spent 13 years in Catholic education, 'nuf said. Alec's dad will be officiating, which keeps it in the family.
3) Open bar: why not? However, if anyone feels they need to drink their body mass in vodka or tequila- I will have horses ready for your removal.
4) Liliac and Ivory Color Theme: Tiffany's Blue is a bit hard to find through different vendors. I don't have the mental strength to detail the blue/green ratio to each vendor.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)