218:09:10:19

The countdown has begun. Well, not really. I browsed the iTunes free app section for a non-denaro wedding app a couple weeks after I got engaged and found the not-so-neurotic "Wedding Countdown." Looking back, I realize that having a countdown to the wedding in seconds probably will not lessen my anxiety one bit. And a quick psych test will most definitely bear the same results.

Although I am as anxiety-ridden as LaLoca Lohan after her first minute in rehab slow pieces are beginning to come together. So when I say "pieces" let's all understand that I am overstating the estimation of progress by a lot. It's the difference between not stabbing my eyes out during Star Wars and knowing the chronological order of the movie's releases (and re-releases). Looking at you on that one, Chris. So the Great Advancement from Winter 2010 is...the best lady got her dress. All this occurred in a matter of...who knows? And I am totally going to count this as a personal/couple progression of all things wedding even though my only input was: "Keep your twins and hoo-hah covered and I am fine." Such a bridezilla!!!

Moving on, moving on. Nothing to see here....just really, really dirty laundry that we are betting on if it will reach the ceiling before toppling over. It's made some strides and unlike Stride gum, the "flavor" remains entrenched. I am semi-wishing for it to become a giant laundry monster that can only be tamed by Cesar Milan or Puss in Boots. If it's the latter, there may be issues. So nix the animated character. The cottony beast can only be slayed by Cesar sans Daddy :( Everyone spill a little gravy on the floor for Daddy. Moment of silence. I said silence.

And....we're back. Mom brought over a couple bridal magazines the other night. Yayyyy and Arghhhh!!! I have come to a happy place in which I have resigned that unless the Swan or Bridalplasty take me as a contestant/guinea pig, I will not be looking like the models in the pages of Bride. Oh well. At least they make dresses that will contain the twin peaks. That'd be awkward if they did not. Very awkward but MEMORABLE. Hmm...that could be our "theme-" embarassing nip slips- but is it a "slip" if it was never housed in the first place? Ah, the age old questions that we ponder. What is the meaning of life? Does Ryan Seacrest say "Seacrest, OUT" after coitus? Where do we go when we die? Is a nip slip a nip slip if it was never covered?

When I was talking to my dentist today about the wedding (quite a feat considering I had two hands stuffed in my mouth), he told me to check to make sure that there are not any odd laws in Aruba. As, geography lesson kids, Aruba is not a part of the United States but is a Dutch protectorate. No odd laws that I have found so far. Plus, the resort is super inclusive of everything so I highly doubt that we will be venturing too far off the resort. Ok, I sound waaayyy to bougie for my taste. I FIND THE CLOTHING AT OLD NAVY TO BE AFFORDABLY CHIC. Ok, good. Went down significantly on the bougie rating. I have to admit that I am a little concerned about the whole Natalee Holloway thing but I have a couple of things working in my favor, I am: 1)not fully white, so I should be 50% less attractive to potential abductors/killers, 2) not rich, 3) do not look like a aerobics Barbie, 4) not one to go adventuring without Chris a couple steps ahead of me, and finally 5) in bed by 2:00am. The whole ordeal kinda freaks me out a bit. How crazy would it be if I could Gil Grissom the crap out of the case and find the girl? I think CBS would be obligated to create a show about it. I see it now: "Beach Murder Sex Sun Alcohol Violence" starring as Lucy Liu or Maggie Q (no resemblance but only Asian actresses) as the lead; Sam Jaeger as Chris; Hannah Montana as Natallee Holloway; Tom Cruise as Joran van der Sloot. I probably need a new title so I don't get Cougartowned and I should try and copyright this so I don't get Mencia-ed up the JLo (or Minaj, for those who are more 'hip').

One more magazine to thumb through. Oh, joy. Oooohh! I found this awesomely cool little chocolate boutique in midtown for the truffles. I am going to drag Chris down there this weekend to try them out. Fingers crossed! I would ask how someone could mess up chocolate but there is not enough space for me to fill with "chocolatiers" who need to be stripped of the title.

A couple more minutes and I am going to slink off into the night and fetch Chris and myself breakfast. Aww, aren't I all domesticated and stuff?

218:08:24:46

They didn't take this thing down yet?

As some of you may have noticed by now, I have a tendency to do most of the posts during the low stress points in grad school. In other words, when I am not in school. Chris and I finished final papers and presentations up this week and I am now officially on the road to getting my degree. All I have to do now is write my thesis. That's all.

In my cyber-absence, we decided where we will be spending our first week as married partners- Aruba. My mom is abso-positively-lutely amazing and has traded in her Marriott Rewards points to book us a week at a resort in Aruba. Neither of us have been to the Caribbean so our only knowledge of the area is derived from a costumed Johnny Depp. I had never really thought about where we would honeymoon- I never really put that much time into the whole wedding concept before a couple months ago, either- and so I had no idea where people go post-nuptials. My only requirements were: 1) room service (get your collective minds out of the gutter, I just want to be able to watch Cesar Milan in a bathrobe while eating dinner); 2) swim up bar (Jesus' greatest invention); and 3) relaxing vibe- preferably a spa attached or near to the hotel; 4) beach with an ocean, not lake or river. As characteristic of our grad student personas, Chris and I turned on the computer and started looking at relaxing beach front hotels. I had always wanted to go to the Caribbean so we checked out the different islands. As per usual, I am going off on a tangent. At least I can recognize them as they are happening (vast improvement). Below are pictures of different Caribbean islands. Your task is to decipher whether the pics are of the same island or if different islands, which ones? Eh? Didn't expect a pop quiz while reading such a whimsical blog? And go...






Having difficulty? Someone obviously was not paying attention in geography class (but neither was I, Senor Kettle). Don't feel embarrassed or inadequate. It's not your fault that you pulled a 2 and 7 from the gene pool. Maybe one day you get a flush or the person next to you thinks she has better cards than she really does. Point of the story: nah nah nah boo boo stick your head in doo doo. This has been a message from Daniel Tosh: The More You Know.

So very slowly we are getting things in order but it is very slow. It will be really interesting once April comes around and I am working on this whole wedding shabam while defending my thesis. Fun. Probably should have planned that better but what can you do? I think Kegel the Elf (Merry Religious Holidays/Observance of Freezing Temperatures to you all) would say to grab a bottle of your favorite booze, warm yourself up from the chilly temps outside, and momentarily silence that crazed voice inside your head. Oh, you don't have that too? Huh. Should get that checked out. I wonder if Dr. Spaceman has any openings.

Well it's fracking late/early in the morning and I have yet to sleep so here's to hoping that I actually made sense in this elongated tweet.

By the why for those of you STILL struggling with the geography quiz above, here are the answers, cheaters and quitters:
From the top it's- Aruba, Antilles, St. Kitts, St. Lucia, and Antigua. Or is it? Honestly, I fracked up the order and forgot to write it down. So if you are needing an answer. You are down the creek without a paddle, my friend. You are a McMuffin lover at 10:31am or a vegetarian in Stockton.

Oh Yeah, I Have a Blog

Whoopsies. Life happens; papers and a seemingly endless requirement of drafts for my thesis happen. Farmville happens and then I have to go and check Frontierville and wait...do I still have an account with King.com? I love playing Who Wants to be a Millionaire when I am0 supposed to be researching my literature review. Wait, what?

I have a mild tendency to procrastinate. Ok, severe...A life threatening procrastination virus that I have had since high school. I really blame senioritis- the inflammatory disease that strikes poor high school seniors (which is different from the other inflammatory disease- pregnancy), I would be a great student who lives by Larry the Cable Guy's anthem. I wonder how he is doing with that career path- I hear there has been a great migration to satellite. As one might be able to guess, I should be working on my thesis but here I am going on and on about the push and pull dynamics of the cable-satellite business.

Chris and I went up to the venue a couple of weekends ago and were shocked by how awesome the area is during the fall. Seriously amazing! We gorged ourselves on caramel apples, veggie burgers, and fries and drank in the beautiful landscape. Pumpkin patch, hay maze, pony rides, craft fair, non-polluted crisp mountain air! If it were not for the lack of vegan friendly eating establishments and Nopalitos, we would have already started packing up the apartment.



We were finally going to check off the photographer on our ever increasing wedding checklist but my darling little pup (a furry offspring stand-in) got in a scrap with Terra the Terrible that required a frantic trip to the pet ER. The bill for the pet ER should not be comparable to the people ER. Mr. Mittens and Mr. Klienfeld should not be getting charged the same for medical expenses. Patched up and sent home with some eye drops (she nearly required an eye patch) Maia has since healed completely and will not be needing spectacles nor a pirate costume.

What else have I been up to in my month hiatus? Most memorably, I got the stink eye from the cashier at Ettore's. My best lady and I caught up over Vietnamese din-din followed by a romantic dessert. The last time that Chris and I went to Ettore's, we picked out four or five different desserts to test their compatibility with our palettes for our wedding. It's research, ok? Don't judge me! When Casey and I went at 830 pm on a Friday night there was a lot to choose from so we chose them all except a caramel cheesecake- it did not look appetizing in the least. So we grabbed the large gustatory selection and headed back to the apartment to change into our maternity wear and feast on some sugary sweets. In my zeal to lay claim to the slice of the fruit basket cake, which was more like a fruit cup, I did not snap a pic at the beginning of our feast. So you will have to use your imagination to piece together the mangled remains of our confectionery slaughter.


While being given the stink eye (unfortunately, her face didn't just look like that) the truly magnificent red velvet cake caught my eye and lessened my guilt for buying enough calories to sustain a small migrant family from the northeast corner of Russia. They did not have a slice of this (sad-face emoticon) so we opted for the cupcake instead- the remnants of which are visible on the pastry battlefield pic above.


We will definitely be having a red velvet cake at the reception. How can we not? Also- no one is to touch it. It is waaay to pretty to touch. Or eat. Does that mean we have to get two- one to eat and the other to look at, adoringly? But I can't make myself cut into the second cake meant for consumption. What a first-world dilemma!

I was going to end this very sporadic entry but then I remembered the most "important" part of share and tell. Chris and I will be changing our surnames. I will not be taking his surname ("What a hairy arm-pitted feminist" My razor broke, ok. I'm getting a new one. No need to name call)!!! And he will not be taking mine (??). Instead, we are adopting a completely new surname.
Chris and I have spent the last couple of summers in Hawaii and have developed a deep connection to the island. Therefore, we are going to be adopting a Hawaiian name. The name will be cloaked in a metaphorical...cloak until the wedding but you are more than encouraged to guess the name in the new poll.

Happy guessing.

New Features and Layout

...with flushing toilets!

Here is a brief overview of some of the changes that I have done to the blog over the last couple of months.

*Depending on your internet speed, you may or may not be hearing the sweetly innocent yet folksy sounds of my favorite music. Alexi Murdoch, Ray Lamontage, IZ, Joshua Radin, Amos Lee, and Rachael Yamagata are but a few of the musicians who have created the music of my soul. The player has a list of some of our favorite songs and artists, including the song that will accompany my walk down the aisle ("Somewhere Over the Rainbow"), and our first dance ("Sweet Pea"). Listen and enjoy.

*New picture of our ceremony site at dusk. There are geese in the pond...for now. Bwa-hahahahahaaa!!!

*Search feature on the left underneath the picture. Use this to find whatever your heart desires, as long as it desires the words written in this blog.

*Queries on how to plan our wedding. Current polls will be underneath the search ("Find Stuff") tab with all of the past polls located below my mini-autobiography, which was amazingly well written. Such an articulate author! Bravo!

I hope you enjoy the face lift and boob job to the blog, Joan Rivers and Kathy (with her Kath-eaters) would.

If I scream in this blog, will it make a sound? Or is there an echo? Hello out there...
Chris is watching Don Draper and Bill Maher talk about politicky-stuff so this is a good time to ramble on and on and on...

I am back in school (recall the teacher from Peanuts: Waah wah waaah) so I am going to use some of the knowledge gleaned from those hours of oh-so-much fun. First up, when writing a lengthy bit of words and phrases- summarize what you are going to discuss in the beginning:

1) I will talk about stuff tangentially related to my wedding....
2) uh, haven't thought this far. Let's just go with it, noting that we will most likely end up in a gonococcus laced (Clap On!) hot tub with the epically coiffed (aerodynamically sound!) Pauly D.

A couple of biggie small accomplishments have been pushed through in the last couple of days. Today, we drove out to the Galleria to meet our new photographer, Jessica, at a Starbucks. We decided against hiring the first photographer because it's all about the Hamiltons, yo. And as grad students we need to save up our US Presidents. By the way, did you know that there is a $100,000 USD bill? I sure as hell didn't. I really wish there will be a point in my life in which I can snort coke off a stripper's ass with a rolled up Wilson. That's the American dream, right there.

Back to Starbucks- I sipped on my Passion Tea while she talked about the package deals and pricing. I was in a state of half-sleep, trying desperately to jolt my recently awaken body to full capacity before I passed into a sleep deprived coma in the midst of bustling shoppers. Thank Florence + the Machine, I survived the meet and drink, dodging mini-vans full of middle class drones filing into the doors of the authentic Mexican eatery, Jimboy's. "Excuse me waiter/cashier, it seems as if someone emptied their stomach contents onto my plate. Oh, that's how it's supposed to look and...smell? I'm gonna need to have someone do me a solid and call Poison Control."

Speaking of things that annoy, disturb, and upset the delicate nature of my gastrointestinal system- do you know about the "sizing" of wedding dresses? *breathe in, breathe out* So take the average American woman (size 14 according to Wiki). She walks into David's Bridal/The Bridal Depot/Brides-R-Us/Dress, Train, and Beyond and goes to try on a size 14. Sorry dear but that dress ain't fitting that ass. By walking through the doors of whatever overpriced tulle factory is nearest to her, she automatically jumps up two dress sizes. Two! Is the gravity in this place different? Did we move to Jupiter? I want to go back to Earth but I will settle for Pluto. A size 14 goes to a size 18 in a snap. How does that affect the bride's self esteem? Is she really going to feel like a princess on the "most important day of her life?" I used to ridicule the women who woke up at dawn to pound the cement, eating a slice of cheese coupled with a floret of broccoli as her daily nourishment but now I hear the treadmill calling my butt. Too much junk in the trunk. What is seriously disturbing is that there are size 0 wedding dresses. Think about that for a minute. [Size 0] - [2 dress sizes] = 1 seriously malnourished woman. During her Ally McBeal days, Callista Flockhart rocked the clothes hanger look with a size 0 but her chunky ass and thunder thighs must resort to a size 4 wedding dress. If the average model is a size 2, is the average wedding dress model a size 2, a size -2, or a size 6? How does that work? Do you go back to children's sizes? Can I get the Hannah Montana themed wedding attire, please? This flipping industry is going to give me an ulcer. It is absolutely mind-boggling how they can make a woman feel like Violet Beauregarde after her life altering gum chewing incident. Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do/I have another Zoloft for you.

If I don't end the rant now, it will never stop and I will be concocting Oompa Loompa lyrics for the remainder of the weekend. Moving on. Tomorrow, we once again travel up to the mountainous hills of Placerville to take a peek at our venue and Bob, the two-foot catfish. I have my pinkie toes crossed hoping that he has successfully deterred my Canadian foes from nesting in my future ceremony site. I see your Avril Lavigne and raise you a Ted Nugent. Game on, birdie. Game on.