Thursday, July 15, 2010

You get a truffle! YOU get a truffle. EVERYBODY gets a...truffle?

It's near midnight and all I can think about is what do I get you, distinguished guest of my wedding? Do I pamper you with a local wine coupled with mini-truffles? Do I personalize M&M's and laugh when they do in fact melt in your hands, or worse, in the box? Shall I gift smoked glass votive candle holders that commemorate our wedding? Should you get anything- it is a recession and to be honest, you are a member of the glutinous consumer class. But so am I, so who am I to point my metaphorical sparkling new iphone 4G (release the white version, Jobs!) at you?

I asked friends on Facebook, the highly scientific and reliable data processing site, their opinions on what I should graciously gift to those who attend our ceremony. Here is a brief list with commentary on those suggestions:

1)Bubbles (via Will): I too am an obligatory fan of the late Michael Jackson but I don't believe that giving out aging primates is a good "remember the day" gift. While they do enjoy throwing brown material, I would highly discourage consumption as that is a "monkey truffle."

2) M&Ms/candy: This would be cute (a chill ran up my spine after uttering that word) if our names were Mark and Mindy or Maxwell and Michael- no h8, CA! Off on another tangent! Getting back on the chocolate train track, I would like something that isn't as everyday as M&Ms. Maybe peanut M&Ms or that saucy green M&M.

3) Alcohol (via Casey/Jessica): Alright, alchies. Not sure if that is a word but Bush was President and if there is one thing that he taught me during my edumacation, other than how OBGYNs just want to practice their love with women, is that as a freedom loving American, it is my right, nay, duty to provide the lesser peoples of the World (France and Canada) with new updated versions of the American language. Think of it as American OS 5. There will be another update in the next 12 months. Be prepared. You may even be able to multitask with this new update and create further hybrids. Consult Adam Sandler and Paz Vega for suggestions on how to make your own OS.

That was a pretty obtuse tangent, there. Congratulations are now to be made to a Mr. Colvard who provided me with that reference in 2001. You, sir, taught me to chew gum to relieve stress before a test but more importantly, if you try hard enough anyone can balance a steaming cup of coffee on their stomach.

A tangent off of another tangent. Mathematically possible? I have no idea, I majored in Sociology which required....0 math classes. Win. Ah, back to why I will not be giving you alcohol. First, I am a grad student at Sac State. I am not rolling in any money. I retract that last statement as just yesterday Maia and myself were rolling in the orange Monopoly monies. Oh, yeah. $500. That is called bank; unfortunately, Bank of America and the Bank of the Monocled Mustached Millionaire do not allow direct (or indirect transfers). Second, I refuse to sit back and watch yourself drink yourself to death, Mel. You once a career; yeah, you bashed a Jew or two and slurred out some impressively misogynistic ramblings but I think it may be time to put down the Zimas and go to AA with Lindsay.

4) Beach-Themed Souvenirs (via my mother): Mom. We are not going to get married in Kauai. The nearest "beach" around here is technically the American River but the last rendezvous to said location ended in the swell discovery of a weapon dump. Yeah, nothing says "I Love You, FOREVER" like a disposed murder weapon.

I am thinking smoked votives with scented candles for all of you who enjoy the delicious Mexican, Indian, Ecuadorian, or Ethiopian foods or conversely those who enjoy asparagus but are not too keen on it's lingering aroma. So, when you are hunkered down in the bathroom wishing you could blow a hole into the wall to have the liberating air of the outdoors combat the possibly fatal fumes festering around you; you can snag a match, light the wick, and remember us.

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