Drowning in Tulle

The California State Fair is raging across the street with Rick Springfield's Aussie muzak slamming against the walls of our complex. I am in hiding with my Glee playlist on shuffle. Ahh, the sounds of Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, and the adorable and Emmy Nominated Chris Colfer can calm my most hysterical panic attacks or my current migraine induced from Outback musical thumping.

With "Imagine" lofting across the room, I realize that I am too a dreamer. Dreaming of soft tulle and lace themed fantasies in which the perfect dress is just there- sitting on the rack. Why do I fear that my daydreams may be closer to delusions? A few days ago, I posted pictures of the dress that America Ferrera wore in the "comedy" Our Family Wedding. The only comical bit about the film was that people actually paid money (as compared to the Monocled Millionaire's colorfully hued financial notes) to see that brain numbing bit of cinema. It was lust at first sight, beautifully draped across America's body was the epitome of bridal gown perfection. Must...have. Google search results spit out the designer's deets: Monique Lhuillier's Scarlet wedding dress with the price tag of- $7,000 USD. Hrm. Must find similarly designed dress with a price in the range of someone who shops at The Rack not Nordstroms. So as Rick's audible assault continues- seriously, it's been an hour, I think the fair-goers and the tenants of the Palms have had enough; we understand that you lust after Jessie's gf but it's been twenty-eight years; move on, dude- I forge ahead in search of the dress.

Craigslist and I had some quality time and I found a pre-tested dress. Upside of purchasing a pre-worn wedding dress:
1) It has already made its way down the aisle so there is no need to be nervous. There is a pro in our midst. Just leave the thinking to the tulle.
2) Aligns with my "green" thinking- one less wedding dress purchased new? The pits may also be green or yellowish, should probably find a good dry cleaner.
3) Cheaper than new. Get the designer dress without the designer price. I could totally write commercials for The Rack- that is, of course, if they made commercials for The Rack but they don't so...must come up with another income generating idea that requires no actual work. Crossing my fingers for a lottery/deceased millionaire relative situation. No Whammies, no whammies....

Although I present a strong list of reasons to buy a sweat-infused dress, I will most likely be purchasing new. The Craigslist dress was designed by Maggie Sottero. As mentioned in previous posts, I was not properly socialized into the wedding fantasy so my knowledge of wedding dress designers are limited to Vera Wang and (recently) Monique Lhiullier but I can appreciate bridal beauty when I "C" it (on a tangent, Sue and I "C" things in similar veins- we both love a good tracksuit and are outraged at the ruling that cheerleading isn't a sport; those girls diet and drug up just like McGuire and Kobe, so boo to you, Mr. Judgey-pants). Here are a couple of the dresses that I also fell into lust with. I may need to seek advice from David Duchovny as my lustfulness may spiral out of control:



This is the original Craigslist dress. I have no idea why I am so attracted to the poofy ("cupcake" a la Hayley) bottom of the dress. All joking aside, props to the photographer from her wedding as this pic is amazing- something you would find on a site in which you purchase and consume objects relegated to a wedding or events of similar fashion ("bridal sites?")




This is the "Maeleigh" dress by Maggie Sottero. Again, poofy bottom with a tight bodice. Slightly afraid one of my boobs may go rogue and pop out if not watched carefully. I adore the detail done to the skirt and will most likely go in that direction unless, of course, I resemble an ivory elephant when trying this style on. In which case, I will go with something with less pizz-azz around my azz. Something like...




"Ruby" by Maggie Sottero. Gorgeous bead and lace work along the dress. I would be so paranoid of dropping anything on this or getting it caught on something. Do not like that the dress is strapless- my boobs are going to need support and the lack of any support beams or flying buttresses makes me weary. A post-purchase addition would definitely include the creation of thin yet resilient lace straps for the dress. No need to pull a Janet Jackson at my wedding.




By far my favorite dress. Eh, favorite-ish. As the frail Rachel Zoe would exclaim: "I die!" As when anyone uses those words, I respond with, "promises, promises..." I fell hard for the skirt on Sottero's "Venecia" dress. Amazing detail. My complaint: the "swooping-boob detailing." I appreciate the breast support; however, I really do not need any more attention going toward that area and would be so much happier sans the detailing.




Finally, a non-Sottero dress for viewing. I free you from the monotony of Sottero but not from white/egg-shell/ivory dresses. I may be non-traditional but I am not getting hitched in a pink leopard get-up. This dress was worn by Mena Suvari at her wedding and was designed by Stacey Bendet of alice + olivia fame. I am not a fan of length of the bodice- I would prefer it to end at the top of the hips rather than below it. While this ensures that you will not be showing your guests your vay-jay-jay during the dancing portion of the event, your new husband may have trouble in the bridal suite. So, for Alec's sake, we will go with something less...troubling.

There you have it. The dresses that I have come to favor. Who knows what I will end up with as I have yet to step into a bridal shop out of sheer terror. I will definitely need a Klonopin and some Grey Goose to get my behind into a dressing room along with the support (ahem- mother! and Casey!) of those with whom I try dresses on with. Support.

Ah, Rick Springfield has vacated and now I get to hear explosions. 10pm means a Maia/Sookie/Terra panic attack- I really need to go and get the kitty cats some treats to placate their nightly terrors.