Ah, IKEA. How I adore, thee. I would count the ways but I'm tired and Jessi Slaughter's dad called the internet poh-leece on me and we are in a hurry to pack and get the hell out of Dodge. If the name Jessi Slaughter escapes you, google it. My hope in the human race dropped significantly after watching her comment video posted up on YouTube. I am going to shelter the hell out of my child so she (if it's a boy, we are shipping his ass of to Asia; I want a baby girl) never knows what the words "glock" and an array of expletives are at the age of eleven.
Pulling myself back from the hellish darkness that is prepubescent violent threats....IKEA. Oh, your cheap but delicious Swedish food- mac and cheese, penne with garlic bread, veggie wraps, chicken strips- that is so exotic to my American mouth. We ate tonight as the steaming hot Alexander Skarsgard does in his native Sweden all for $16, which is a freaking steal for three people. I think I may be enjoying Swedish food more often if it is only gonna set us back a couple of Washingtons.
After our exotic gastro quest, we roamed the expansive store looking for a way out. Jigsaw is a cruel mother-what? You go in for dish-towels and leave three days later, dehydrated and confused. My Asian-ness drew me to the "As-Is" section of the store hidden amongst the rows of inventory. When we first moved into our tropically named apartment complex, we (and by we, I mean Alec) ripped the George Michael out of the couch cover. Mistakenly considering IKEA a discount (or at least reasonably priced) retailer, we thought we could replace the torn cover for under $50. The price is wrong, Bobby! The actual retail price of an Ektorp cover is $129. So, we have just had to avert our eyes from the gaping hole in the upholstery...until tonight. We rummaged through a bin of mixed upholstery for everything from shams to couches to beds. It was a mess and so were we. After minutes of sorting through the cloth we looked liked contestants on the last leg of the Iron Man Triathlon. Sweating like Ryan Secreast at the W. Hollywood Curves, we emptied the first of two bins and started scratching through the second seemingly bottom-less bin. Seeing the remaining bits of cloth at the bottom, I resigned any hope of getting a complete set (couch cover, back cushion cover, and seat cushion cover) in the same design much less the same color palette. Alec starts jumping up and down like a child on Christmas 'morn- one set complete. Seconds later, the second couch set is complete. Holy mother load! How much did this set us back? Well, nothing as my mommy paid the bill even though we had a heated argument at the register. A deep apology to Cindy at the W. Sac IKEA- our bad. However, as we do live in a capitalist society, money was exchanged and the total price of the couch set was...$16. $10 for the couch cover, $3 for the seat cover, and $3 for the back cushion cover. Asian said "Whaaa?" $32 for two sets of couch covers? Let's call it a day, as we just hit the gold mine.
You clearly have thrifting skills superior to my own.
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Like a champion race horse, thrifting has been bred into me. Great-grandma laced her clothes with diamonds and gold to get out of Germany in the War and her offspring spent her childhood playing with sticks in the Great Depression. Mix that with the broad Asian culture and it is a lethally frugal yet simultaneously spendthrift combination. I am but a contradiction in terms.
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